It's the Most Plunderful Time of the Year (Or, Isn't 80% Off Plus 20% Off 100% Off?)
Happy holidays, everybody!
I'm sorry I've deprived you of moderately amusing anecdotes for almost a month, but I've been completely swamped lately (free time has been hard to come by ever since Mitch and I started moonlighting as undercover fashion police a few weeks ago). Fortunately that means I also have some chuckleable stories to share, so let's get started!
Yesterday I exercised the right that each of us as citizens of this great land are entrusted to use each year; that proud and honored tradition where we search our souls, asking not what is right for us but rather what is right for those around us; that civic duty so essential to the American experience that we refrain from complaint even at the sight of brash and unceasing advertisements and mile-long lines. I'm speaking, of course, about Christmas shopping! After a hearty brunch yesterday morning, I dressed in my boldest green and red and white and blue sweater, joined forces with three fellow New Londonians, and braved local crossroads of commerce Waterford Commons.
I know what you're thinking, "Reilly, you're a handsome, computer-savvy member of Generation Y. How come you didn't just do all your shopping online like a sane person?" Great question, hypothetical anonymous reader. You are correct that I do indeed possess the ability to operate a computer (I'm actually using one right now as I type this blog entry), but what you failed to consider is that I'm also quite lazy, meaning that I didn't get around to actually logging on and buying anything early enough for it to arrive in time for me to dole the items out before people leave for their holiday travel.
Thus, steeled by the burden of necessity, I set out to capture a gift for each of my dearest friends and family members (and by that I of course mean for everyone who I think will be getting me a gift). The big box stores had all the panicked moms, glittering displays, and sucrose-sodden children that you'd expect, but one establishment that featured considerably reduced holiday cheer was Linens n' Things, which is currently in the waning moments of what undoubtedly has been a long and listless going out of business sale. The surprisingly crowded store's mostly barren shelves and picked-over, "as-is" selection of merchandise served as a potent visual metaphor for our current economic situation (wow, that sentence was topical). Though I didn't manage to find any suitable presents at what essentially amounted to a garage sale with a really big parking lot, I did pick up a few towels for practically nothing that more or less match the ones I already owned (if you dim the lights and squint a little bit they look like they're the same color). A highlight of this particular sale was a sign that read in enormous letters, "EVERYTHING AT LEAST 50-80% OFF! SELECT ITEMS AN ADDITIONAL 20% OFF!" I inquired as to whether the items that were 80% off plus the additional 20% off were free, but a clearly overworked, soon to be unemployed clerk informed me that they first discount the items by 80%, then subtract the 20% off of the remaining price (thus resulting in a scant 84% off, which hardly seems like a bargain at all). From the way the other customers were clawing through piles of mismatched drapery and possibly functional Cuisinarts, however, you'd think they were giving everything away. The whole scenario served as a potent visual metaphor for the current pirate crisis in Somalia (wow, that sentence was also topical).
All in all, it was a pretty successful expedition! The seasonal festivities continue tonight when I head down to New York to staff the annual Conn holiday party for alumni and parents. There are actually a very good number of '07s attending, as there were at last week's Boston event, which featured classmates Ben Sheldon, Marissa Velarde, Abbey Ballou, Matt Magida, Max Houseman, Adam Romanow, and many more. I'll be sure to update you all on how tonight goes and who shows up.
Until then, keep the nog flowing and ho-ho-hoing going!